CONFESSIONS!!

S. Beckett believed that there is no concrete meaning in life.Now,I don't like Beckett in general but the truth is that I can't help but wandering if he was right?What if I am doomed to lead a life which will proove,by the end of my days, that Beckett was right?That our existance, our journey through life is vain?I am scared of that day like christians are scared of hell.And sometimes I regret that I reached that point when I realized there is no such thing as a God,religions always justify existance but like my teacher says(and forgive my inability to quote but she tends to say it in Latin)fear whas what created Gods.Those who don't know ARE happy!

The same teacher mentioned above says my writing is incoherent which results from my incoherent manner of thinking.I fail to understand why this is a problem!A while ago I was reading an article my teacher wrote on her grad.school and in spite of risking sounding a bit cocky I have to admit that I did recognize some similarities in the writing.Sometimes, I wish I could talk to her about that among other things.I truly believe that if someone has found out the secret of being then that has to be my teachers,it's like they are in to this big secret and they just want care and then I wonder why wont literature open up to me like to them?and i cry silently!

Sometimes I feel like I am fake,I know i am.It's like this:i am supposed to love colors(bright and happy colors-thats what my wardrobe's made off)but then i think that thats just a way to hide that "i look inside and i see my heart is black"(from my all-time classical PAINT IT BLACK).

Then I say what if I am just not through with being a teenager?Is there a specific age or a factor that moves you from one age group to the other?I sure as hell still feel confused about everything and I'd like to believe that this is because I never really grew up than think that maybe just maybe life is like this,things never actually take their course!

People say that you can be in a crowd and still feel lonely!This is tru,you can be sitting next to someone and be lonlier than ever, I am scared of solitude yet it seems to haunt me everywhere I go,even in my thoughts?How do you find those people that you are suppose to feel at home when you are with them?Or have I been watching too much tv?